Outed

 I started this blog as a Christian. I intended to show a real life view on faith, homeschool, parenting, being poor, and having depression. Well I never stuck with it. My heart wasn't in it. I have never been happy as a Christian. For the last few months I have been on a spiritual journey. I have found Wicca. I will not explain what it is, or isn't. I felt that it was time to tell the world. I may or may not continue to blog. I haven't been very good at it so far. I am not consistent. But then again as I embark on a new journey I may become inspired. Either way I wish you all well , and happiness. A lot of love from Tonya.... Mixed Matched Mommy

Dollar Tree Shopping

I usually avoid the Dollar Tree like the plague. It's not that I dislike it. In fact I actually like the variety of things they carry. For personal reasons I generally do not go to the one here. Well I am trying to budget my grocery spending. So I decided to hell with my personal reasons, I was going to check out the grocery section.The Princess thought I had lost my mind. The Brain didn't care as long as he got his waffles. So here was my Dollar Tree grocery haul.

Ribeye steaks.... yes thin but individually wrapped.
Sausage links...
Frozen blueberries...
Frozen peaches....
Frozen shrimp... tiny bag
Frozen scallops... also tiny bags
Waffles....
Sandwich meat.... it's not really a bargain but it often goes to waste here so the smaller packs work for us
Campbells salsa...
Frozen stir fry veggies...
Frozen broccoli cauliflower mix...
Bagged cereal... same stuff I get from Wal-Mart only smaller bags
Chips.. regular size bags
Cookies..
Pasta sides..

I got an assortment of snacks, and foods that I generally buy for double the price. Of course somethings are not a bargain, but I feel the overall trip was a success. I will be going back at least every other week to stock up on snacks and, single meal items. We all eat at different times, and I usually end up cooking several times a day for each of us. The single servings of meats are actually very helpful.

So if you are on a budget Check out your local Dollar Tree. 

OCD Much?

    I have a wedding to attend this weekend. I'm really excited about it. I get to witness two people I care a lot about get married. I've never been to a wedding, and I can't wait. Sounds great right? Well it is except that I'm a fruitcake. I freak out about everything. OMG what are we going to wear? What am I going to do with our hair? What is appropriate? etc...

     So I went shopping. Thrift store style. Here we have several Thrift stores. For the wedding outfits I hit the one with the $10 brown bag special. So last week I took the brain , and my 15 year old neighbor (Haley has style!) and we hit the shop. She loves this store. Whatever qualifying items you can fit in the brown bag you get for $10. I got 4 skirts, numerous tops, 5 pair of jeans, 4 pairs of shorts, and quiet a few pieces for my two kids and Haley. 

     I am a blue jeans type of chick. I happen to wear jeans well, and that is my comfort zone! Oh I like to dress them up with heals, and a hot top. I feel sexy in jeans. I feel confident in them. Jeans make me feel empowered. Yes I am a complete idiot, but I like it. So for this wedding I am wearing a skirt. Its a hot skirt. It flatters my figure without screaming look at me. It is knee length, form fitting with a little flair at the bottom. Paired with a black and white top, and sandals to match. This is not in my comfort zone, but it is doable. The other three skirts I bought will be re-purposed into shirts. I intend to keep the black skirt just in case I have need for it again (shudder).

     Oh now for the hair.I found the perfect hairstyle. A retro bouffant chignon. It is a simple style allowing me to pull my long hair up, but has volume so I don't look like a depressed librarian. 

     So with my wardrobe, and hair taken care of that leaves the princess. She wants Elsa's braid from the movie Frozen. I have never french braided in my life until tonight. I did pretty good for my first time. My mother used to french braid our hair, and I hated it. So I never had the urge to learn until now. Funny how things work out. If my mother likes it you can just about bet that I hate it. If I like it the princess doesn't. Ah its great lol. So tomorrow we will master the volume and poofieness of the Elsa braid. No worries on her wardrobe. For a child that claims to hate girly things she has more dresses and shoes than Wal-mart. 

     As for the brain.... well he is simple, and easy to please. I think he may even be ready to cut his hair. He wants long hair like our neighbor. The thing is the neighbors hair is straight. The brains hair is curly, and he doesn't like the curls. It isn't long enough to straighten out yet. So that leaves him with 2 choices. Get it cut, or let me wash it and apply products. Oh he hates that. I use Garnier Fructice leave in conditioner, mouse, and Dark-n-Lovely curl glaze. Combed straight back until it dries completely. Then it just curls so prettily. 

     I have 3 days. I have micro-managed every detail so far. Hopefully I wont think of anything else to worry about. It is in my nature to try to achieve perfection for whatever event I'm facing. I did take most of today off from wedding prep. I went thrift shopping again. This time it was at a different shop (my favorite). It supports our local children's home. I found a handmade desk for $10. It is so beautiful, and it was built to last. Then on the way home I stopped by Fred's to get a few necessities. I found shampoo and conditioner for fifty cents a bottle. We are stocked up for at least 6 months! GREAT DAY!!! 

Crazy Momma!

I have a habit of becoming overwhelmed, and flipping out at the smallest things. I yell. I curse. Well I used to. No I am not proud of this. No I did not yell, curse, and flip out all the time. That doesn't excuse it, or make it okay. It is never okay to flip out on your kids, but we are all human. I'm pretty sure every parent out there has lost their temper at one time or another. Now with that being said.... My youngest broke my tablet yesterday. He came to me holding it to his chest. I had company, but I knew immediately something was wrong. There were streaks on his face from crying. His expression was pure detestation. So when he showed me instead of flipping out I hugged him. I told him it was okay. I comforted him. I told him how proud I was of him for telling me the truth. For me this is a big step, and strengthened our bond that much more. In the future he will recall my reaction, and know that he can come to me. This helps right some of my crazy momma moments. 

Just Rambling

Just Rambling


Life has been a mad dash to settle all the clutter, and mess from the months of me just barely getting by. My house is almost in order. The children are happier. I am happy and hopeful. My worst fear was that the antidepressants would hurt me as they have in the past. You name it I've most likely been on it. The side effects range from worsened depression to gaining almost 100 pounds. I became  violent on some of them, and absolutely bat shit crazy on others. However this new one has had a good affect on me. So far I have been more energetic, more patient, less sensitive, and more interested in life.

I have no new adventures. The children and I are just working on getting back on track, reconnecting, laughing, loving, and enjoying Us. We spend days talking. Well they rattle on and on, and I bask in the constant chatter that a month ago would drive me to tears. I surprise them with random attacks. I sneak up on them, and wrestle them until they are giggling uncontrollably. We do little cook outs on the weekends with a couple of their friends. We bake lots of sweets. We watch way to much spongebob. (THIS IS HUGE, because before meds spongebob would set me off). We pick and tease one another. We get out of the house a little more. I don't yell very often. I don't lash out at anyone anymore. They enjoy being around me again. I love being with them.

Has it been all rainbows and butterflies? Hell no. We are human. I still have bad days. I have had a toothache for a week now. (I'm taking antibiotics to kill any infection.) A week of almost constant pain can make anyone irritable, but nothing like before. I admittedly fussed at them yesterday for fighting. I also admit our meals were not very healthy. I spent two days lounging in bed because of the pain so my house needs a good run through. Yet those two days allowed for us to lay together, and watch tv. The things that would set me off before, are now just minor annoyances. I often find humor in them. The fear of the medication is still there, but that keeps me aware of how it is affecting me.

 I have suffered depression, and anxiety my entire life. I do not like it. I wish I could change it. I can't. So I have to face reality. I have a chemical imbalance. It has always made me feel crazy, and like I have to depend on pills to be normal. (yes yes I know I am anything but normal). I have an artistic temperament. I see things in ways that others couldn't imagine. I create things from my imagination. I see beauty in everything. My world is vibrant colors. I wouldn't change that, so I have to accept the other aspects of my personality as well. There is a darkness. I am so sensitive to the point of absorbing others energy. I hurt deeply. I'm intense, and introverted. Both sides of  the me have their purpose, and can be overwhelming. Finding balance on my own just wasn't possible. So I will cautiously take antidepressants, and be thankful that the two sides are coming together.

I am learning to embrace who I am, and it is okay to be different. I have a purpose in this life. I have a path all my own. I have been blessed with children, and they are some amazing kids! I don't want to be someone else. I love that I am creative. That I am not afraid to try new mediums in art. I have never painted in my life, but I plan to try it. I think it is a gift  that I love to learn new things. I think I am brilliant in my own way. I recognize my inner beauty, and I am realizing my outer beauty. I am me, and that is awesome!

Spring Cleaning

Hi everyone, I have been super busy here lately. I have been spring cleaning. Yes I am aware that it is not yet spring, but I needed a head start. I have tackled the kid's room, bathroom, kitchen, and my room. I am desperately trying to organize all of my "junk". As a general rule I am not a hoarder. When it comes to my projects, and art I throw away NOTHING!!! So I spent my entire day yesterday going through bins of fabrics, folding, sorting, and repacking them. Today I will tackle the endless odds and ends of my craft room. By Friday of next week I intend to have every toy, bead, button, scrap of paper, and everything else nicely tucked away in hand sewn pocket caddies. Wish me luck, and pray the endless amount of things I own doesn't send me back to the doctor. 

 Getting Back to Good

This is my second week on antidepressants. I have been running around cleaning EVERYTHING.  I found a lot of tossed away "junk" that I've cleaned, and repurposed. No I did not go dumpster diving. My family has a lot of things they don't use, and have just stored it all up. Things I've found.....

Wine Rack ....turned toilet paper holder
Assorted jars of many shapes... candles
Plates... I love having a mix match assortment of dishes
Coffee cups... One again love dishes
Pretty mixing bowls
Baskets
Bins


My plans for this week is organizing, crafting, and homeschooling.

Depression knocked me for one hell of a loop. I was sad, angry, hurt, desperate, tired, pale, and a whole slew of other symptoms. I was terrified of antidepressants because my past experience has been horrible.I gained 100 pounds and slept 18 hours a day at one point. This medicine has been amazing for me. I'm finally getting back to good. 

MIA


We had a winter storm come through Tuesday night. Our lights went out around 4 yesterday morning, and finally came back on ten minutes ago. My kids may not watch tv, or play games all day long. As soon as the power is out they act like it's the end of the world. There are only so many times a person can play cards, yahtzee, and mad science before they lose their mind. Luckily we got our generator running today, and the kids we thrilled to watch tv. This crazy momma was ready for a break. 

Just Checking In


I had a busy day today. I am usually not a morning person, however this morning I was on top of my game! I got up, did a load of  laundry, got myself and the kids dressed, and put on my makeup (this is huge as I haven't worn makeup in months!). All while drinking my coffee. All of this was done, and we were out the door within an hour. Then I dropped the kids off at my cousins, and headed to walmart.
I got home put away groceries, and did all the fun housewife stuff. I am just now sitting down. Yes I know no one really wants to hear about my boring day, but I figured I would get in the habit of checking in daily. So you guys that was my day.  Now to finish it out I am going to check out the $5 fashion website, and look for easy sew patterns on pinterest. Goodnight.

Bent but not Broken

     Like  many people I have always wanted to fit in, be good enough, and be accepted. To achieve this I hid myself. I pretended to not care. I was shy. This made me seem aloof, stuck up, and a total bitch. I starved myself for the perfect body. I pretended to be stupid. I dressed like a complete hoochie. I desperately wanted someone to love me. 

     As an adult I got in an abusive relationship. He loved me. He wanted me. Yeah Yeah I know better now... That relationship left me broken, more so than I already was. From that point on I deliberately got involved with unavailable men. I still craved love, and human connection. I was too scared to allow myself anything real. Sex was the only expression of love, the only connection I was willing to make. 

     For years I have suffered from major depressive disorder, and anxiety. It creeps in on me slowly. I start withdrawing. I become agoraphobic. I stop eating. It gets bad. I may have to deal with it for the rest of my life. that is okay.

     This time I learned my lesson well. No one can love me if I don't love myself, and I damn well do love myself. I'm far from perfect, but I'm real. I am honest. What other people think of me, and my life does not matter. This is my journey. I have to find the path that is meant for me. Never allow anyone to make me feel less than. My past is just that the past. Never be ashamed of who I am. 

     I am still young. I will not stay the same. I will grow, and change. I will fall on my face, but I will get up and fight harder. My journey is just beginning. Instead of allowing depression, anxiety, circumstance, and people drag me down I am going to make it epic. Take me or leave me, but here I am.

This past year has hit me hard. A quick recap of my year. My significant other had a heart attack. This broke me down mentally. My GAD (general anxiety disorder) showed it's ugly head. The agoraphobia I have dealt with for years hit an all time high. Our homeschooling took a backseat. AS if this was not enough I have been bullied. Yes at 29 years of age I have been bullied. Someone I cared about deeply started bullying me. Never having encountered an adult female bully I was stunned, and hurt. I could complain, and give all the horrible details, but that is pointless. I understand the behavior, and that helps deal with it. I so desperately wanted to keep up with my writing, but I haven't been able to. I promised to write daily, but I won't do that now. I will most likely write occasionally until I have my feet back on solid ground.

On a positive note. Sam's heart attack was a blessing in disguise. He is a lot stronger, and hopefully in my life for many more years. Our lapse in school work gave the kids a chance to flourish on their own. Being bullied has shown my just how strong I am. I may not be 100%, but I will be.