Just Rambling
Life has been a mad dash to settle all the clutter, and mess from the months of me just barely getting by. My house is almost in order. The children are happier. I am happy and hopeful. My worst fear was that the antidepressants would hurt me as they have in the past. You name it I've most likely been on it. The side effects range from worsened depression to gaining almost 100 pounds. I became violent on some of them, and absolutely bat shit crazy on others. However this new one has had a good affect on me. So far I have been more energetic, more patient, less sensitive, and more interested in life.
I have no new adventures. The children and I are just working on getting back on track, reconnecting, laughing, loving, and enjoying Us. We spend days talking. Well they rattle on and on, and I bask in the constant chatter that a month ago would drive me to tears. I surprise them with random attacks. I sneak up on them, and wrestle them until they are giggling uncontrollably. We do little cook outs on the weekends with a couple of their friends. We bake lots of sweets. We watch way to much spongebob. (THIS IS HUGE, because before meds spongebob would set me off). We pick and tease one another. We get out of the house a little more. I don't yell very often. I don't lash out at anyone anymore. They enjoy being around me again. I love being with them.
Has it been all rainbows and butterflies? Hell no. We are human. I still have bad days. I have had a toothache for a week now. (I'm taking antibiotics to kill any infection.) A week of almost constant pain can make anyone irritable, but nothing like before. I admittedly fussed at them yesterday for fighting. I also admit our meals were not very healthy. I spent two days lounging in bed because of the pain so my house needs a good run through. Yet those two days allowed for us to lay together, and watch tv. The things that would set me off before, are now just minor annoyances. I often find humor in them. The fear of the medication is still there, but that keeps me aware of how it is affecting me.
I have suffered depression, and anxiety my entire life. I do not like it. I wish I could change it. I can't. So I have to face reality. I have a chemical imbalance. It has always made me feel crazy, and like I have to depend on pills to be normal. (yes yes I know I am anything but normal). I have an artistic temperament. I see things in ways that others couldn't imagine. I create things from my imagination. I see beauty in everything. My world is vibrant colors. I wouldn't change that, so I have to accept the other aspects of my personality as well. There is a darkness. I am so sensitive to the point of absorbing others energy. I hurt deeply. I'm intense, and introverted. Both sides of the me have their purpose, and can be overwhelming. Finding balance on my own just wasn't possible. So I will cautiously take antidepressants, and be thankful that the two sides are coming together.
I am learning to embrace who I am, and it is okay to be different. I have a purpose in this life. I have a path all my own. I have been blessed with children, and they are some amazing kids! I don't want to be someone else. I love that I am creative. That I am not afraid to try new mediums in art. I have never painted in my life, but I plan to try it. I think it is a gift that I love to learn new things. I think I am brilliant in my own way. I recognize my inner beauty, and I am realizing my outer beauty. I am me, and that is awesome!
Life has been a mad dash to settle all the clutter, and mess from the months of me just barely getting by. My house is almost in order. The children are happier. I am happy and hopeful. My worst fear was that the antidepressants would hurt me as they have in the past. You name it I've most likely been on it. The side effects range from worsened depression to gaining almost 100 pounds. I became violent on some of them, and absolutely bat shit crazy on others. However this new one has had a good affect on me. So far I have been more energetic, more patient, less sensitive, and more interested in life.
I have no new adventures. The children and I are just working on getting back on track, reconnecting, laughing, loving, and enjoying Us. We spend days talking. Well they rattle on and on, and I bask in the constant chatter that a month ago would drive me to tears. I surprise them with random attacks. I sneak up on them, and wrestle them until they are giggling uncontrollably. We do little cook outs on the weekends with a couple of their friends. We bake lots of sweets. We watch way to much spongebob. (THIS IS HUGE, because before meds spongebob would set me off). We pick and tease one another. We get out of the house a little more. I don't yell very often. I don't lash out at anyone anymore. They enjoy being around me again. I love being with them.
Has it been all rainbows and butterflies? Hell no. We are human. I still have bad days. I have had a toothache for a week now. (I'm taking antibiotics to kill any infection.) A week of almost constant pain can make anyone irritable, but nothing like before. I admittedly fussed at them yesterday for fighting. I also admit our meals were not very healthy. I spent two days lounging in bed because of the pain so my house needs a good run through. Yet those two days allowed for us to lay together, and watch tv. The things that would set me off before, are now just minor annoyances. I often find humor in them. The fear of the medication is still there, but that keeps me aware of how it is affecting me.
I have suffered depression, and anxiety my entire life. I do not like it. I wish I could change it. I can't. So I have to face reality. I have a chemical imbalance. It has always made me feel crazy, and like I have to depend on pills to be normal. (yes yes I know I am anything but normal). I have an artistic temperament. I see things in ways that others couldn't imagine. I create things from my imagination. I see beauty in everything. My world is vibrant colors. I wouldn't change that, so I have to accept the other aspects of my personality as well. There is a darkness. I am so sensitive to the point of absorbing others energy. I hurt deeply. I'm intense, and introverted. Both sides of the me have their purpose, and can be overwhelming. Finding balance on my own just wasn't possible. So I will cautiously take antidepressants, and be thankful that the two sides are coming together.
I am learning to embrace who I am, and it is okay to be different. I have a purpose in this life. I have a path all my own. I have been blessed with children, and they are some amazing kids! I don't want to be someone else. I love that I am creative. That I am not afraid to try new mediums in art. I have never painted in my life, but I plan to try it. I think it is a gift that I love to learn new things. I think I am brilliant in my own way. I recognize my inner beauty, and I am realizing my outer beauty. I am me, and that is awesome!
