Bent but not Broken

     Like  many people I have always wanted to fit in, be good enough, and be accepted. To achieve this I hid myself. I pretended to not care. I was shy. This made me seem aloof, stuck up, and a total bitch. I starved myself for the perfect body. I pretended to be stupid. I dressed like a complete hoochie. I desperately wanted someone to love me. 

     As an adult I got in an abusive relationship. He loved me. He wanted me. Yeah Yeah I know better now... That relationship left me broken, more so than I already was. From that point on I deliberately got involved with unavailable men. I still craved love, and human connection. I was too scared to allow myself anything real. Sex was the only expression of love, the only connection I was willing to make. 

     For years I have suffered from major depressive disorder, and anxiety. It creeps in on me slowly. I start withdrawing. I become agoraphobic. I stop eating. It gets bad. I may have to deal with it for the rest of my life. that is okay.

     This time I learned my lesson well. No one can love me if I don't love myself, and I damn well do love myself. I'm far from perfect, but I'm real. I am honest. What other people think of me, and my life does not matter. This is my journey. I have to find the path that is meant for me. Never allow anyone to make me feel less than. My past is just that the past. Never be ashamed of who I am. 

     I am still young. I will not stay the same. I will grow, and change. I will fall on my face, but I will get up and fight harder. My journey is just beginning. Instead of allowing depression, anxiety, circumstance, and people drag me down I am going to make it epic. Take me or leave me, but here I am.